It’s been a difficult year. In the weeks after Big John’s death there’s been a bit of a haze. I wouldn’t say we’re moving on or moving forward even, but rather allowing time to progress despite us. Writing is cathartic. Interestingly enough, I’ve almost run away from my journal, not wanting to pick up my pen and pour out my heart in the fear that once opened the valve wouldn’t budge and that somehow I’d be stuck in a torrent of grief and sadness and unable to function “properly” for my kids and family. Another danger is that my voice becomes the platform for our family, which is quite large and beautiful and boisterous. Although we are a close-knit group, I am only sharing my experiences and feelings and perspectives as I navigate these waters, however ungracefully and incoherently.

So, I am going to share my journey with grief and life and family because I’m usually more free once these thoughts are out of my head and down on paper somewhere. I’m learning that I can no longer passively sit by and expect Grief to handle itself while I go about the business of running my home; I’m needing to be more proactive in searching this out and asking some questions. It is bound to be difficult and exhausting and labor-intensive, but I’m sure it will also be worthwhile. Do you know of any resources? Anything for children??

Here are brief snippets from my journal –

Everything still hurts. My eyes sting and nose burns and my chest is heavy, my throat tightens up and the warm tears just keep sliding down my cheeks at all times and random times.

“The LORD gives strength to His people; the LORD blesses His people with P E A C E. ” Psalm 29:11

It’s been a tough week. Emotionally draining and physically exhausting. I want to cower under covers and not return for days or months. But, the children get hungry and bored and have activities. I’m feeling overwhelmed… just needing some space and QUIET.

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up soul.” Psalm 143:8

“But I trust in Your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me.” Psalm 13:5-6

Most of the pages in this 2017 journal are largely blank with very fast and loose script haphazardly scrawled across the page with no regard for the lines. I’d like a handwriting analysis to uncover something about my personality and moods based on the look of the pages and not the content, I have a feeling it’d be related…

The outpouring of love and support and generosity from our community is astounding. We are a blessed people. The letters and meals and acts of kindness from friends and neighbors in Navasota has truly been humbling. Thank you for sharing your memories and laughs and pieces of wisdom that he shared with you. It means so much.

With love and peace,
Shelbie

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