From my perspective, my interactions with our children have been sharp, severe, and cutting. I am raising my voice and speaking sternly all too often. Internally, everything feels jumbled and helter-skelter. Stress has taken over and overwhelm consumes me. Since mid-January, I’ve had off and on spurts of crazy. What I’ve described above is my version of crazy. Strung-out, hyper-sensitive, and holding on by a thread. My erratic behavior has most definitely upset the balance and the peace within our home.
I haven’t been able to see my doctor quick enough, and I am praying that she will have some answers to my moodiness, my stress, anger, moodswings, and temperature changes. Typing all those symptoms out, surely I have something. Some sort of something to explain away all the tirades and insensitive bashings. Hormones are no joke. It tampers and touches every part of a woman’s body. I mean, hello. Yes, we know this, but it has taken me three months – THREE MONTHS to realize, “Hmmm… This isn’t how I normally respond in these situations, I’m not sure why I keep getting so worked up over petty little things..Why is it so HOT in here?” So, I’m hormonal. We’ve had three kids in four years and I just finished weaning the baby. I’m all out of whack and apparently no one can win, at this point in life. Everything is a disaster and feelings are spilling out everywhere and there are so many apologies happening, I’m not even sure why I’m still communicating. It’d be far more efficient to remain QUIET!
Goodness. Lord Jesus, please regulate my system and cause my family members – every single one of them – to black out these dark days of lethargy and outbursts of over the top emotions. It’s ridiculous. And, I’m ridiculous and over it. I’m now ready to jump back on-course and make amends and not feel so fricking sweaty at all times of the day and night.
One thing I have noticed even while I’m still in the thick of it, is this: When feelings of stress and overwhelm begin to creep in, I begin grasping at every loose straw to gain some semblance of control. I micro-manage our children, the household, and even conversations. Every “fun” activity carries with it the onslaught of disorder, chaos, and MESS and it throws me over the edge.
While out at a restaurant Cade accidentally knocked over a tiny dish of salad dressing. He was jacking around at the table, but still, a spill is a spill. Purely accidental and I was so upset. I probably even rolled my eyes and let out a loud sigh. The little man is five years old. It was a cramped table and besides mistakes happen. Take a chill pill and cool the mess down.
Pray for me. And, if you begin to notice all the crazy starting to flare up within yourself, stop what you’re doing right then, and make an appointment. We all can use an extra set of hands at times, and I’m putting all my eggs in this pharmaceutical basket of hormonal bliss and balance. Let it be, Lord. Not just for my sake, but for the well being of my husband and three kids!
*This was written April 2nd. Thankfully, things are starting to improve, but I’m not sure if the crazy is treatable!! 😜